The Secret Life of Kardis
by Candace Goodnight
Summary: Kardis's diary in the underworld R
1. K

The Secret Life of Kardis Aka Evil Lesbian Demon Goddess of Madness and Destruction  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Lodoss or Marmo or Kardis or Narse, but I do own 6 pairs of socks and a green llama, no wait, I don't own the llama.  
  
Day 439563 Shined scepter of Domination again, the girls are now very very shiny!  
  
Day 439564 Had a dream about Narse last night. Sigh... How I wish I could see her beautiful face again, for it has been over 1,000 years since we have been together, but I know someday soon we shall be reunited and eternally bound in marriage.  
  
Day 439565 I just wrote a Sonnet for Narse I hope soon I can give it to her .  
  
Narse O Narse How I love thee o so much  
  
Your beautiful gold eyes and scales and wings  
  
Which I truly do wish that I could touch  
  
When I look upon you the sparrow sings  
  
Although evilness in mine heart prevails  
  
You are evil also so it's all good  
  
And together we will have many tales  
  
Of madness and badness and burning wood  
  
We'll raid the towns and take over the world  
  
You and me together my precious sweet  
  
I'll resurrect and you'll fly your wings unfurled  
  
I love you as much as I love red meat  
  
Together destroy lovers forever  
  
Parting our ways or our lovers never  
  
Day 439566 Ooo guess what!!! Someone in the real world wants to resurrect me. Isn't that exciting? I can see my love. O Narse it shall be soon!  
  
Day 439589 Well that worked well, stupid idiot failed. I was almost resurrected, but no he went and got himself killed and so I'm stuck down here by my self doing absolutely nothing.  
  
Day 439589 I refuse to become depressed!  
Plan to escape # 3,162  
1. Become friendly with God  
2. Get adopted by him  
3. Rise from dead after third day  
  
Day 439594 Plan failed, God says he has enough children and anyways I'd be competition 


	2. A

The Secret Life of Kardis Aka Evil Lesbian Demon Goddess of Madness and Destruction  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Lodoss or Marmo or Kardis or Narse, but I do like pocky.  
  
Day 439598 Bored! Bored! Bored! Are there any perks do being dead?  
  
Day 439599 Got bored again today so I made a picture of Narse out of Macaroni. She's so pretty!  
  
Day 439605 Plan to escape #3,163  
1. Go to supermarket  
2. Buy yeast  
3. Learn its secrets  
  
Day 439609 Well apparently yeast is forced to rise even if it doesn't want to. I talked with my packet for three days and he has a lot of emotional issues from forced rising. He cried too hard to answer my questions.  
  
Day 439610 I LUV NARSE!  
  
Day 439611 I STILL LUV NARSE!  
  
Day 439612 Pie tastes good  
  
Day 439613 Don't worry I STILL LUV NARSE!  
  
Day 439615 Poem Time!!!!  
  
N-nice body  
  
A-absolutely wonderful  
  
R- rambunctious  
  
S- Supercalifradulisticsexpialidoshous  
  
E- economically non-friendly  
  
A- arrogant  
  
N- nifty  
  
C- cost efficient  
  
I- I'm a little teapot  
  
E- ethereal  
  
N- nimrod  
  
T- timeless  
  
D- dumb  
  
R- robust  
  
A- able  
  
G- good at burning things  
  
O- old  
  
N- nimble  
  
O- opaque  
  
F- friendly  
  
M- mighty  
  
A- awesome  
  
R- ricochet  
  
M- multi-task  
  
O- only the best evil dragon in the whole wide world  
  
Day 439618 Rocks don't bounce  
  
Day 439619 Dear Narse, I don't know when or if you will receive this letter, but do know this I love you, and together we shall soon take over the world. We will be the eternal queens. Just a little longer.  
May your hunt be as fruitful as a fruit basket,  
Kardis 


	3. R

The Secret Life of Kardis Aka Evil Lesbian Demon Goddess of Madness and  
Destruction  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Lodoss or Marmo or Kardis or Narse, but I played  
Mao this weekend and it was really fun!  
  
Day 439,620  
Decided to practice my killing techniques today. Used evil purple  
bubbles!!! Today was a complete blast... literally. Should do this more  
often. I had almost forgotten how much fun blowing stuff up was!  
  
Day 439,625  
Today as I was strolling through the after life, I met this adorable demon  
named Lia. She is so nice! She's soooo pretty!! Her eyes are the color of  
dried blood, and her hair is the color of something that was recently  
burned. Every time I close my eyes I see her beautiful face.  
  
Day 439,627  
Oh dear! I think I love Lia. What if Narse finds out? Will she still love  
me? Can I keep this a secret? Can I love both of them? Does Narse still  
love me? Does Lia love me? Will Lia love me if I love Narse? Do I love  
Narse? Do I love Lia? Does Lia love Narse? Does Narse love apples?  
Day 439,628  
Going out with Lia today. We're gonna see the Night of the Living Dead,  
then go back to her place...  
  
Day 439,629  
She's better than Narse!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
Day 439,632  
You don't think Narse will find out do you? I mean, I'm here in the  
underworld! There's no chance she'll ever know... is there? Oh dear, this  
is bad. I love Narse, but now I love Lia too! What can I do??  
  
Day 439,633  
L- Looks awesome in almost everything/nothing  
I- Interesting  
A- Absolutely super!!!  
  
Day 439,634  
Today, we're going to Six Flags Down Under... waaay under.  
  
Day 439,636  
Me and Lia blew up things today! It was great fun. She seemed especially  
keen on blowing up this one building... I wonder why. Maybe she just has  
the destructive gene in her!  
  
Day 439,642  
She loves me... she loves me not. She loves me... She loves me not. ...She  
loves me!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Day 439,450  
jdhfajhjhfjhdfljads (the page actually does say something but the ink has  
run)  
  
Day 439,653  
Lia dumped me. Sorry about yesterday's entry... the tears smeared the ink.  
She left me. How could she? I thought she loved me. I loved her. I betrayed  
Narse for this demon, literally and figuratively. All she wanted was to use  
my power to blow up some stupid building. I thought that that day was just  
having fun blowing stuff up, but really that's all she wanted me for. Oh  
Lia, how could you do this to me?  
  
Day 439,655  
Narse, O Narse,  
I can't believe i betrayed you.  
From this day on  
I will be ever faithful!  
  
Day 439,657  
I must rise from the dead. Think, Kardis think! Must think of plan.  
  
Day 439,658  
Plan to escape #3,164  
1. Make a bet with Grim reaper  
2. Play 2 out of 3 Janken  
3. Win  
4. Rise  
  
Day 439,659  
I forgot how completely unlucky I am... 


	4. D

The Secret Life of Kardis Aka Evil Lesbian Demon Goddess of Madness and  
Destruction  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Lodoss or Marmo or Kardis or Narse, but  
Tokyo=to+kyo and Kyoto=kyo+to which I think is completely awesome!!!!!  
  
Day 439,662  
Narse the dragon had a face.  
She lived in a terrible place.  
But Kardis is great,  
And they had a date,  
And now Marmo is ace!  
  
There once was a dragon named Narse.  
Her love life was almost a farce.  
But then she met Kardis,  
Who partied the hardest,  
And now they're as happy as parse!  
  
Day 439,663  
After-life has gotten boring...  
  
Day 439,664  
Had a guava smoothie today! Yum Yum!  
  
Day 439, 666  
Regulator genes make repressor proteins, but as long as there is lactose  
that doesn't happen, but when lactose is gone the repressor is no longer  
blocked so it's on again. So to solve all your problems don't drink milk. I  
need an anti-milk button.  
  
Day 439,668  
OMG!!!!!!!!! I was listening to the radio (KILL 666.1 FM) and I won a 3 day  
pass to THE REAL WORLD!!!!!!!!!! I'm gonna see Narse, I'm gonna see Narse,  
with kibbles and bits and beefy bits!!!  
  
Day 439,669  
I leave tomorrow! Who would've thought knowing pi to the 35th place would  
ever be useful? I can't believe I won that contest. I shall see my true  
love again! What should I wear? Narse will be so glad to see me!!!!  
  
Day 439, 674  
Narse, how could you do this to me? I thought you loved me!  
NAAAARRRSSSEEEE!!!!!!  
  
Day 439, 693  
I am almost ready to come out of mourning. The past three weeks I have done  
nothing but cry for Narse, the evil witch. Here's what happened:  
The day I left, I traveled to Marmo to find Narse. I couldn't find her that  
day, so I stayed at the local Holiday Inn. The second morning I continued  
my search, but didn't get too far because I ran into some "loyal" followers  
who wouldn't leave me be. After a while of their worship/badgering, I  
escaped and went to find Narse. By that time, it was late at night.  
Suddenly I thought I heard Narse! I couldn't tell what she was saying, but  
I knew her voice like I knew the exact shade of grey the rock in my living  
room is. I walked up to the cave where the voice was coming from, and  
peered inside. I don't think I'll ever forget the horrible things I saw in  
there. I had just walked in on Narse, my true love, and that awful,  
horrible, terrible, appalling, dreadful, evil, witch Mycen! How could  
Narse, the love of my life, cheat on me like that? I screamed at Narse and  
demanded an explanation. She said that she no longer loved me and that she  
and Mycen were to be married shortly. I couldn't believe my ears. Narse  
left me, ME! She left Kardis the Evil Lesbian Demon Goddess of Madness and  
Destruction for Mycen, the good-for-nothing, sorry excuse for a dragon! So  
the third day, I blew up everything I could. And though that was really  
fun, I still have a huge hole in my heart where Narse used to be. I must  
get over her! She got over me, and now I have to return the favor. Tomorrow  
I'm going to a dating agency. 


	5. I

The Secret Life of Kardis Aka Evil Lesbian Demon Goddess of Madness and  
Destruction  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Lodoss or Marmo or Kardis or Narse, but I won seats  
to a baseball game for section 310 row 3 seats 10-11.  
  
Day 439,696  
DECEASED DATING SERVICE  
We bring relationships to life!  
  
Name-Kardis (think it's ok I don't have a last name?)  
Gender- Female  
Age- 27 (OK so that's a lie but that's how old I look...)  
Height- 5'6 (so I'm actually 5'4... but they don't know that!)  
Weight- 120 (why do they ask that?)  
Hair color- heliotrope (It's natural!)  
Eye color- wisteria (again, perfectly natural!)  
Species- Demon Goddess  
Holy Orientation-Pure Evil  
Interests- Writing Poetry, Romantic Walks on the beach, blowing things up,  
taking over the world, and killing innocent people.  
Religion- Narcissism (What? Other people worship me so why shouldn't I?)  
  
Please enclose a recent picture (is 700 years ago recent?)  
  
Looking For:  
Gender- Female (Lesbian Pride!)  
Age- Doesn't matter as long as they look 25-35  
Height- 5'5  
Weight- 145  
Hair color- anything, preferably not dyed  
Eye color- Cyan  
Species Check all that apply  
Dragon (Not goin for one of those again!)  
Elf X (sure, why not? once this adorable elf maiden  
was  
almost sacrificed to me I wouldn't mind dating her...)  
Human X (Slightly stupid, but occasionally romantic)  
God/dess X (I'd love to date my own kind!)  
Berserker (Duh, of course not!)  
Cursed object X (Who wouldn't like to date an accessory?)  
Sorcerer (I don't like too much competition.)  
Dwarf (Fine to talk to but never EVER date a dwarf!!)  
Holy Orientation-Evil  
  
Day 439,697  
I sent off my application today. I hope they give me a result soon!  
  
Day 439,698  
No mail today.  
  
Day 439,699  
All I got today was End of Time magazine.  
  
Day 439,700  
No mail.  
  
Day 439,701  
2 Bills.  
  
Day 439,702  
I have a one track life don't I? (No mail.)  
  
Day 439,703  
I got a packet from the agency today!!! My dream date is Fifi! Fifi is a  
cursed rock who is planning on taking over the world. She enjoys those  
really good cake-like cookies with the fun icing (yumm) and killing small  
children. I think we'll make a wonderful couple!!!!  
  
Day 439,705  
Today was me and Fifi's first date. It was fun... We went to a small café  
on the other side of town. We had good food... or at least I did. Rocks  
don't eat too much. Actually they don't eat anything. At least she's a  
cheap date. We talked about plans to take over places, and massacres...  
well actually, I did all the talking. OK, so the date was boring the stupid  
rock didn't do anything. I'm gonna send in for a new dream date. 


	6. S

The Secret Life of Kardis Aka Evil Lesbian Demon Goddess of Madness and  
Destruction  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Lodoss or Marmo or Kardis or Narse, but the song  
Something Wicked This Way Comes from the Harry Potter trailer is AWESOME!  
  
Day 439,706  
This time I shall not wait by the mailbox diligently until my new date  
arrives!  
  
Day 439,707  
Today in an effort to forget about the mail I've decided to go on a hiking  
trip through The Dark Forest National Park!  
  
Day 439,708  
First day out I saw 3 chipmunks, 1 deer, and a ferocious bear that wanted  
to kill me! I blew up all 5!!!  
  
Day 439,710  
Well it turns out that bear was Smoke 'em the Bear, and the park officials  
were not to happy about him being cremated while living. So yours truly  
spent the night in the jail, well part of the night. After a while I got  
bored and slightly annoyed at the male felons hitting on me, and at the  
females for not hitting on me, so I thought screw this and I blew that  
place up to. Needless to say I wasn't able to finish my camping trip so now  
I have to find a new way to pass the time.  
  
Day 439,711  
I've decided to take up stamp collecting. In Defunct city there's a stamp  
convention. I'm going to go and check it out.  
  
Day 439,712  
I DON'T want to talk about it.  
  
Day 439,713  
I have a new hobby!! I'm joining a card club. They have weekly meetings and  
play cards. Its sounds fun, but to join you have to sign something that  
says you will not blow up anything, kill anyone, or do anything else to  
ruin or rig the games. Maybe that will prevent one of the problems of stamp  
collecting.  
  
Day 439,714  
Mao is the most confusticating card game I have ever played! What are the  
rules? Are there rules? I hope the other people in the club weren't just  
laughing at me. Cause if they were they're in for it. No wait stupid  
waiver.  
  
Day 439,715  
I got my new date!!!!!!!! She is a human and her name is Cynthia. She  
enjoys Ramen, killing people, and making flutes out of bamboo. We are going  
to go to a bamboo forest for a nice dinner next Tuesday.  
  
Day 439,719  
Well, my date went good this time! It turns out me and Cynthia have a lot  
in common. For instance, we both like mariachi music, we both kill small  
children, we both no how to get burn marks out of carpet, and we both can  
balance books on our heads and walk 3 feet! We are going on another date  
next week! This relationship could be a beautiful thing (she sure is!!!)  
  
Day 439,721  
This week at my card club we played mao again. I'm beginning to start kind  
of understanding!!! Its fun but mighty confusing.  
  
Day 439,719  
We had our second date!!!!! It went just as well as the first. Actually I  
think it went better. We went to the zoo to pet llamas and octopi. Then we  
had some ice cream. It was so much fun!  
  
Day 439,720  
C-andelabra  
Y-es  
N-eato  
T-errific  
H-appy  
I-gloo  
A-mbivolent  
  
Day 439,722  
Cynthia o Cynthia how I love thee so!!  
  
Day 439,723  
Today me and Cynthia went bowling. And... well... I can't bowl to save my  
life(or lack thereof). I got 1 strike though!!! (We'll ignore the fact that  
it was three lanes over) But then I accidentally broke some stuff, and to  
make a long story short we were asked not to come back. So afterward we  
went to blow things up. I blew up this ugly little orange house, Cynthia  
didn't want me to but I figured, why not?  
  
Day 439,726  
Cynthia called today!!! :) She says she needs to talk to me! I think she's  
going to propose!!!  
  
Day 439,728  
Card club today. Mao was horrible, just when I thought I was getting it.  
I'll bet the losers changed the rules on me!!!!  
  
Day 439,729  
She didn't propose. She broke up with me. She said we should see other  
people. Why would she do this to me? So what if she doesn't like the way I  
blew up her house. It was an accident! I love her. How can she do this to  
me?????  
  
Day 439,730  
In the past 24 hours I have eaten 6 pints of Ben & Jerry's Mint Marble  
Chunk ice cream. I think I'm gonna be sick.  
  
Day 439,732  
L-oveable  
L-audable  
A-morphous  
M-usical  
A-rdent  
  
Day 439,733  
Who needs Cynthia? I'm getting a new dream date!  
  
Day 439,735  
At card club today I mastered mao! All hail me I am AWESOME!!!!! Who rocks?  
Kardis Rocks!!!!  
  
Day 439,737  
Today I had a strawberry smoothie!!! Sugar High!!!!!! ABCDEFG Gummie bears  
are chasing me down the hall and up the stairs, get away you stinkin'  
bears!! LaLaLaLaLaLaLaLaLaLaLaLa! Give me a K (K) Give me an A (A) Give me  
an R (R) give me a dis (dis) What's that spells? Kardis!!  
  
Day 439,738  
Wow...  
  
Day 439,739  
I watched some reruns today. SND (Saturday Night Dead), Gilligan's Hell-  
Hole, I Love Lucifer, Dragon Hell Z, Fruits Casket, Who Wants To Be A  
Killionaire Needless to say I spent the whole day rotting on the couch.  
  
Day 439,742  
Mao is a tricksy sort of game. It tricked me. I thought I was getting it,  
but no I still don't get it. Ahs Wells. Next week we'll be starting a new  
game anyway.  
  
Day 439,743  
I've decided to send in for another date! 


	7. 

The Secret Life of Kardis Aka Evil Lesbian Demon Goddess of Madness and  
Destruction  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Lodoss or Marmo or Kardis or Narse, but I have lots  
of chigger bites right now :(  
  
Day 439,746  
Death has gotten too complex. I'm going to spend a couple days living like  
my ancestors did thousands of years ago. All–out backyard camping!!!!!  
Check list:  
Food (can't forget that)  
Tent  
Sleeping bag  
Matches (ooo fire!)  
More food (what I like to eat)  
Soda (I'm a coke addict, what can I say?)  
Off (bye bye buggy!)  
Clothes  
TV  
Really long extension cord  
  
A short while later  
I realized that my camping list wasn't exactly old-fashion... so I fixed it!  
Revised check list  
Seasonings to cook game  
Rope to help fix lean-to  
Gunny sack to sleep in  
Flint  
Off (no way I'm leaving that at home!)  
Leaves/vines to wear  
Song Book  
  
Later on  
I made an outfit out of leaves and vines. I wrapped myself up and it's  
starting to itch. And these clothes are terribly out of fashion. Green is  
totally not 'in' right now. And the leaves, ohh they're horrible! They make  
me look fat. I will never pick up some cute chick wearing this utter  
fashion folly!  
  
After a time  
I tried to use makealeanto.com's helpful instructions on how to make a lean  
to, but it doesn't lean. It doesn't even stand up. Need new dwelling.  
  
After another but not quite so long time  
Look at my creation! Makealeanto.com wasn't very helpful, so I went to  
easycampingdwellings.com and now I have a lovely... I have no clue what  
you'd call it but it's my dwelling and I'm proud of it!  
  
Even Later  
I'm settled in. Just me and nature.  
  
After 6 marks of the candle  
DIE MOSQUITOES!!!!! I have a can of Off and I'm not afraid to use it!  
Mwahahaha!!!!  
  
Later-er  
I tried to catch some game for dinner. I tried to use my Magic Purple  
Bubbles of Death!! (dun dun dun dun!) but that only succeeded in  
disintegrating them leaving very little to eat. Must try new approach...  
  
Alas, even later  
I have triumphed! I caught my dinner. It took two hours, a large pointy  
stick, three pieces of gum, and the help of a friendly snake. (The snake  
caught the rabbit and strangled it. Then it graciously allowed me to  
disintegrate it with my Magic Purple Bubbles of Death! (dun dun dun dun)  
Then I took the rabbit skewered it and called myself triumphant.)  
  
Later that day  
How does flint work?  
  
Believe it or not even later  
Well that took forever. I had no clue what I was doing, I guess back in the  
good old Hell Scouts I didn't pay very much attention. First I tried  
gathering some wood. That was the easy part. (If you exclude my 14  
splinters and sore back. Some of those pieces were heavy!) Then I tried  
putting the sticks in some building type shape. I couldn't remember what  
they taught us so I improvised and tried making a stick Coliseum, but I  
think all the empty space inside it was a problem. Then I tried to make the  
Leaning Tower of Pisa. That one lit fire, but fell over and went out. So  
then I took great pains and make an exact replica of my house using sticks.  
It took lots of time, but at least I have a wonderful fire! Now to start  
cooking. How do you cook rabbit?  
  
Still later  
Roast Rabbit is DISGUSTING!!!  
  
After a time  
What did ancient people do for fun? I am so incredibly bored!!!!  
  
A while later  
Kumbaya, my Lord! (ME!!!)  
  
After a bit  
There is a bee in my... dwelling and I am perfectly content to sit out here  
while until it decides to leave. Who am I to kick out a mean, stinging  
monster?  
  
Shortly after dark  
Ouch the ground is hard, how's a person supposed to sleep like this? I must  
have built my... dwelling on a rather large patch of rocks.  
  
That evening  
Waaaaa!!!! Waaaa!!! There's ants in my gunny sack.  
  
Later-er-er  
How did my ancestors deal with this: Boredom, bad food, bugs, and Byzantine  
rocks?  
  
The last later  
Screw ancestors, I'm going inside.  



	8. E

The Secret Life of Kardis Aka Evil Lesbian Demon Goddess of Madness and Destruction

Disclaimer: I don't own Lodoss or Marmo or Kardis or Narse or American Pie, or Greenday, but I am a rocket scientist.

Day 439,749

I got a new date from the agency today! She's another enchanted object, but this one comes with directions to communicate, so it won't be a repeat of last time. (thank me) Her name is Karla and she is the world's evilest tiara! The paper says to communicate place on head. YAY! I get to look stylish and date at the same time!

Day 439,751

Tomorrow is my date. They forgot to include a picture of Karla so I can't plan what to wear so as to coordinate with her. Ahs wells.

Day 439,752

The date was awesome me and Karla had a stupendous time. We had afternoon tea at this adorable little teashop. They just have the cutest little sandwiches you ever did see. And it has a lovely atmosphere. The tables have pretty table clothes and the murals on the walls were marvelous. Almost everything there was cute, pretty, and/or magnificent. They have this one beautiful purple teapot, it's the same color as my Magical Purple Bubbles of Doom (Dun! Dun! Dun!) And their- sorry I got a little sidetracked there. Back to my date. Me and Karla talked for hours comparing plans to take over the world. Karla has a diary specifically for writing down her plans/plots. I've decided I'll start writing mine down too. Here are some of the ones we discussed today.

PTTOW1

Blow up everyone and everything!

(Karla pointed out a few problems with this one)

Here's one of Karla's plans

Hide in children's dress up box and take over their minds when they put her on. She says it's never to early to corrupt people.

PTTOW2

Threaten to blow up Antarctica, then enslave the penguins and force them to do my bidding

PTTOW3

Blow up the leader of Uzbekistan, become the leader of Uzbekistan... (I'm still working on how this will help me take over the world)

PTTOW4

Poison the world's beer supplies. Children are much easier to take over

PTTOW5

Invent a highly addictive food/drink/candy/snack, market it very cheaply, get most people addicted, take product away, use it as a bribe

Another one of Karla's

Line self with poison and get put on peoples heads

Me and Karla have another date next week. We're gonna get makeovers!

Day 439,752

Run run as fast as you can, you can't catch me I'm god.

Day 439,753

Today was me and Karla's second successful date! We went to Mademoiselle Mortisha's Magnificent Makeovers. I got blush and lipstick while Karla got shined up. She is now very shiny!

Day 439,756

Keeping your Christmas lights up all year isn't that tacky is it?

Day 439,758

PTTOW6

Write a musical with hypnotic songs.

Day 439,760

Third time's the charm, or curse depending on who you ask. Me and Karla's third date was going swell until she was injured. Here's what happened. We went to 6 Flags over Hell. We were having a blast going on some rides and playing some games. (I won her a teddy bear!) Then we decided to go on the Ogre, the biggest, fastest, most awesome roller coaster there! On it there were several loops and upside down stuff. Well going upside down with a tiara on your head is not the best of all ideas. Long story short, Karla fell off my head and was rushed to the nearest jeweler to surgically reattach one of her jewels. She is still out. The jeweler said she'll be fine in a day or so.

Day 439,761

I brought Karla some flowers today. She is starting to feel a little better. I also wrote her a poem to make her feel good. She really liked it!

Karla was hurt

She was not burnt

Get better soon

Before the monsoon

Day 439,762

The Health Department is nuts!

Day 439,763

Karla got out of the hospital today! She feels much better. To celebrate we went to Al's Pizzeria. I had pepperoni pizza, yum!

Day 438,766

Today I had a grocery store adventure. I went to get some frozen waffles. First I had the usual problem, do I want Albertdaughter's brand, Deado, Awful Waffles, or I Really Can Believe They're Not Waffles? (Ahh too many choices) Then I noticed Albertdaughter's has a buy one get one free coupon so I got some. When I went to pay they charged me twice. I told the guy about the deal and he sad there was no deal. I argued with him for ten minutes on whether or not there was a deal. After this argument I went to go see the manager, but as it turns out that was the manager. So I decided to call Ellen Albertdaughter's, the owner. After a nice discussion, and threats about calling my Uncle Tony to sue the socks off of her for false advertisement, she gave me a year's supply of frozen waffles!

Day 439,769

First weekly waffle party! I invited lots of my friends. Janie-human, Deirdre-vampire, Jonathan-elf, Timothy-elf,(they are a couple and so cute together!) and Karla of course. The party was a complete success.

Day 439,772

Toda me, Karla, Jon, and Timothy went on a doubly date to Chateau de la Mort Timothy is a sweet guy, with a... spontaneous sense of humor. He decided it would be funny to trip our waiter. We all thought it was hysterical, but the management didn't quite agree. Long story short we got kicked out. So instead we, in our nice dresses and suits, went to Jack in the Coffin's for burgers and fries.

Day 439,773

PTTOW 7

Go to leaders of most countries and bet on horse race with them. Blow up all horses except one I bet on with my Magical Purple Bubbles of Doom (Dun! Dun! Dun! Dun!)

Day 439,776

Helter Skelter in a summer swelter;

The birds flew off to a fallout shelter,

Eight miles high and falling fast.

Landed flat on the grass.

The players tried for a forward pass

With the jester on the sidelines in a cast.

The halftime air was sweet perfume

While the sergeants played a marching tune.

We all got up to dance,

But we never got a chance.

When the players tried to take the field;

The marching band refused to yield.

Do you recall what was revealed,

The day the music died?

We started singing . . .

Day 439,779

I had a car wreck today. It was totally the other guy's fault, just because I ran a red light does not mean you should ram your car into mine!

Day 439,780

PFTCDOTOL!!!!

(people for the cutting down of trees of life)

Day 439,781

I like bread

Bread is filling

And keeps the dentist

Fro-om drilling

Day 439,782

1,846 miles, 14hrs 6 min

Day 439,783

This week at the waffle party we played cards. First we played ERS until Timothy complained that we were marring his delicate skin. Then we played BS. Karla has an excellent poker face!

Day 439,785

Methinks is a word, so is methought.

Day 439,787

Today, in honor of National Swimming Llama Day, me and Karla went to the nearby lake, Lake Leery. And we watched the llamas swim. Since Karla's Birthday is in a couple weeks I decided to give her her gift early. I got her Lyla the swimming llama. Lyla is a very pretty llama. She has white spots with brown around them. Karla loved her!

Day 439,789

Old McDeadwold had a morgue, B-S-B-S-O. And in that morgue he had a sea bass, B-S-B-S-O. With a bloop bloop here and a bloop bloop there here a bloop there a blood everywhere a bloop bloop, Old Mcdeadwold had a morgue B-S-B-S-O.

Day 439,790

Weekly waffle party! Lyla really lieks waffles. She ate 17, but she wasn't a big fan of syrup.

Day 439,793

Nothing of importance happened today.

Day 439,794

L-aughable

O-btuse

D-ryer sheets

O-bscure

S-tupid

S-trichnine

Day 439,796

Whammy!

Day 439,797

Today at the weekly waffle party we didn't defrost the waffles, but instead we played Ultimate. I would just like to add that my team whooped the other one.

Day 439,799

Fun game-Lilies on lava! You need: 6 bandanas (aka lily pads), 12 kids (aka shipwrecked sailors), 1 field (aka conveniently located patch of lava). Get from one side to the other by hopping on the lily pads. Before anyone reaches the other end all kids must be on a lily pad.

Day 439,803

Today was Karla's Birthday we had a surprise party. We hid in the living room and when she rolled in we all jumped out and sung happy birthday at the top of our lungs. It was so much fun!

Day 439,804

It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right. I hope you had the time of your life.

Don't worry. I did.


	9. V

The Secret Life of Kardis Aka Evil Lesbian Demon Goddess of Madness and Destruction

Disclaimer: I don't own Lodoss or Marmo or Kardis or Narse, but I love pie!

Day 439,804

Today we had to leave Lyla at the llama day-care so me and Karla could spend some ...er... quality time together. Lyla had a blast. She met another llama named Delgabaux. And wouldn't you know it, Delgabaux says oink instead of ----. (Lyla doesn't say anything)

Day 439,805

3.36 186000mi ( 1 m ) 299,275,945.3m/s

x m (.0006215mi)

Day 439,808

Yesterday was not the best of days. When I awoke, it was raining, then it was hailing and I had left my highly breakable expensive glass rock outside so it broke. Then I tried to cook breakfast. I made eggs and biscuits. I was reciting Spanish pickup lines and forgot to pay attention so the eggs started burning, and I accidentally set off the smoke alarm. I used a towel to fan the air so it'd turn off, then I sat and reminisced about all the times as a child I did that. Then the biscuits caught fire in the oven, the smoke alarm went off again and there were flames coming out of my oven. I used my fire extinguisher and that just ruined the biscuits. So I had to go out for breakfast. That cost me $6.57 plus $56.88 for a new fire extinguisher. Actually, the fire extinguisher only cost 16.88, but when I was at Falmart buying it there was a wet spot on the floor and I slipped on that and knocked over some glasses. Apparently that was all my fault so I had to pay for them. The extinguisher itself was only $16.88, but the glasses were $5 each! Then I figured that after such a hectic morning, I would relax a little and read a book. I was deep in the mystery book Murder on the Styx, by Gulgatha Christie. The reading went well for a grand total of 17 minutes, the best 17 minutes in my entire day. What stopped me was a funny little man who came to the door selling pencils. Now that doesn't seem to be a huge problem but it is if the funny little man is carrying a bazooka. Now I was going to blow him up with my Magical Purple Bubbles of Doom (Dun! Dun! Dun!) but he said if I attempted to blow him up he was wearing explosive peanut oil so I would either die or be hit with scalding oil marring my beautiful face. It was a nice compliment! So I listened to him talk about pencils for 4 hours. Mechanical pencils, shiny pencils, bendy pencils, red pencils, blue pencils, number 2 pencils, number 8 pencils, pencils with erasers, pencils with stickers, pencils that make noise when you hit them on the table, pencils that glow in the dark, fuzzy pencils, pencils with grips, pencils without grips, recycled pencils, and run of the mill plain old pencils. And he refused to leave until I had spent at least 47 dollars on pencils. Do you know how many pencils you can get for $47? Waaaay too many. Then I went out to lunch at Painchos Mexican Buffet. I thought Mexican food would be a good choice but noooo. The mariachis, who played live music for the restaurant, were walking around, and one tripped and fell on me, forcing my face into my food. I had enchiladas in my hair and that is just plain not fun. When I finally got back home a cute little stray dog was sitting on my porch. It was a black dog with the most adorable face. I went to pet her and she bit me. The bloody dog bit my hand! XD Promptly I blew her up with my Magical Purple Bubbles of Doom (Dun! Dun! Dun!). So with my hand torn up I had to go to the Xclinic. I waited at the Xclinic for well over an hour before it was my turn. Then the doctor stitched up my hand and checked me for rabies. Luckily I am not rabid! But, I have a useless left hand. (The doctor went really really really overboard with bandages). I went home. At this time it was about 3:00 and Jeopardy was coming on. I went to watch it, but about 2 minutes in, the cable went out. I tried to fix it, and proceeded to completely ruin my television. Here's what happened, I stood on a chair to fiddle with the TV and I lost my balance. I fell back and got tangled in cords. As I tried to walk away the TV cord was wrapped around my ankle and the TV came crashing to the ground. That was not a happy experience. There was smoke, broken glass, and wires everywhere. I would have cleaned it up then but due to the fact I had one arm it wasn't going to happen, so its still there on the floor. I went into my bedroom for a nap. I knows I needed one. I was just drifting off to sleep when the phone rang. It was Karla. Her car had died. It died 3 hours away. All I wanted was a nice peaceful day, but nooo Karla needed help. So I headed out. I went to turn on the A/C but it didn't work. I had to roll down the window, ruining my perfectly styled hair. I am rather bad at directions so I kept getting more and more lost. Five hours later I finally got to where Karla was stranded. I picked her up, by then it was 9 o'clock. Well, we started home and after a short while decided to stop for dinner. We went inside and sat down. After a short while these two human dudes, who were obviously drunk, started hitting on us. It was rather revolting. They wouldn't go away til we finally convinced them we were a lesbian couple. At first they wouldn't believe us, and the first guy thought it was 'cause he was brunette and he started bawling. Apparently he had some issues as a child. What am I saying, he still has them. We were so disturbed, we left before dessert, and I really wanted a piece of pie too :( We got back on the road and drove for what seemed like forever. We finally got back at one in the morning. I dropped Karla off at her house and went home. I took a shower, then my head hit the pillow before I fell asleep. Now doesn't that sound like a fun day? I did get a lime green ice tea though. And that made lots of things better!

Day 439,810

Do yooouuu like fractions?

Day 439,811

Today Karla and I had to take Lyla to day care again because we went to an Irish/Scottish drinking song festival. They had lots of ale and beer and ways to get drunk.

Day 439,811

Hangover.

Day 439,813

I rule all of the world, just in case you were wondering.

Day 439,816

R-ed

A-nd

I-ndigo

N-ow

B-elong to

O-ther

W-orlds

Day 439,817

OYGBV

Day 439,818

Weekly waffle party! We made decorations this week. We cut out little figures from the waffles and placed them around the room. Timothy made some llamas to give to Lyla. Lyla gave them one look, then ate them.

Day 439,820

PTTOW 8 (Plan to take over world)

Enlist the floppy disks!

Day 439,823

Karla and I went out to lunch today. The cute waitress was totally checking me out, but don't tell Karla.

Day 439,825

I was lighting a candle today, when suddenly my carpet caught on fire. I didn't mean to drop the flaming paper...

Day 439,826

.thgin eht rof dna ni dtsixe cigam eht wenk I tub ,cigam saw thgin eht taht em dlot yob A

Day 439,827

I saw a little girl with a lemonade stand today. I was feeling generous so I went and asked her how much a cup was. She said A DOLLAR. I told her for that there better be alcohol in it, but she just shook her head and said something about the cost of nonliving increase.

Day 439,829

12:06AM

Day 439,832

I have a headache.

Day 439,846

Apparently I had more that just a headache. About 10 minutes after writing that I blacked out. Karla found me and freaked out and called 119. I've been in the hospital for the past 14 days. The doctors told me some medical mumbo jumbo that basically added up to something is wrong with you, we aren't quite sure what, but we'll keep you here and charge you outrageously.

Day 439,847

Why Pie?  
Because:

A- it tastes good especially apple pie !yum!

B- it is the infinitely cooler spelling of the Greek letter which looks like a house and is the coolest number ever!!!!!!!!!!!!

C- it's part of the title of an uber-cool song

D- it's foot in Spanish and feet are rather useful

E- is a fun site

F- is also a happy website with private eyes like Mary Kate and Ashley, but not...

G- there is a song/poem about it

H- it has more vowels that consonants

I- now have a strong like for the word pie


End file.
